First of all, forgive me for I’m not a writer and I might not do good in expressing myself and English isn’t my first language. The reason I made this blog is to tell the world about all that I did, good or bad, sins, crimes or the good that I did or at least tried to do. Every word you read will be true, every scenario will be true and I’m the most honest guy by nature and I honest want you all to know that I’m a great liar.
The reason I want the world to know the truth about me is not because I’m a loner and I have nobody to talk with but because I’m not the type of guy who talks about his life with others but now I feel empty, unmotivated and the burden of all the secrets that I hold is depressing, I don’t know if writing it down and sharing it with the world will help or not but I’m going to try.
Since I’m an honest liar now, I think it will be fair to post my first post about my past when I realized how good of a liar I’m.
When I was 14 years old, I travelled to my home country for the first time, it doesn’t matter where I’m from but what matters is what I have been through. I had and still have this habit of trying to read people, I don’t know how I do it but most of the time I get everything right. I look at a person and I see how he/she feels, if they are happy, sad, angry, broken or horny I will just know by the first look and tell it to that person.
I was at my aunt house in my home country and her daughter-in-law also came from U.S to visit her with her two daughters, my aunt’s daughter-in-law was from our family friends and I last saw her 5 years ago when I was 9. I looked at her and I could see pain in her eyes and depression in her voice but of course I just couldn’t ask her what was wrong or tell her how I felt. So I ignored it.
Cutting it short, after a few days my entire family went to a wedding in another city but she didn’t go because she had two babies to take care of and she didn’t know those people, I also stayed back because the climate change made me a little sick. So basically I was with her, her two daughters, and a servant. She was 15 years older than me but since we were alone in the house and the only two adults, we had to talk, I asked her that I felt a lot of pain in her eyes and wanted to know what was wrong?
She stared at me for a few seconds and then said how do you know? How can you look at my eyes and know because even my mother couldn’t feel it. Let’s name her Mary, I told Mary that I don’t know but I JUST FELT YOUR PAIN. Thus, the real talk took place, she told me about her life. Her husband, who is also my cousin, was a drunk and he was also cheating on Mary with a Canadian girl in the states. She was beaten a lot and mentality tortured but she didn’t want to leave her husband, she wanted her marriage to work. I told her all about my life, my problems and even though I was just 14 years old, I had some major problems that I was dealing with which you will read in my future posts.
We talked all night and it felt good to share it with someone but back then I didn’t know that talking about emotions with women can end up weird, awkward or bad. Around 4am and I know the time very well because I have a good memory, anyways around 4am I realized that I was sitting very near to her and she even didn’t mind but while talking all of a sudden she kissed me on my lips, that was my first kiss.
I was a kid but I knew that she was broken, sad and maybe sexually she was left alone by her husband so she found comfort in me and expressed it by a kiss. The kiss felt very good to be honest. I didn’t know how to react but I knew that it wasn’t going to happen again so I ignored it, the best or worst thing was that I was all alone in the house with a broken TV and a broken woman. We talked more and more from day to night and I didn’t realize but we end up kissing again and this time it wasn’t just a touch of lips on my lips but it was a make out, I felt her skin, her breath, her heart beat and I loved it.
Since it was my first time, I was shaken and she could see it so she made sure that I get comfortable with her and of course I didn’t care if she had a husband or a family because that jerk wasn’t worth it anyways, the next day I wanted to kiss her but I had no reason so I made one. I decided to lie and before that day I never lied because I was being raised with certain values, honor and culture that didn’t allow lying and I never needed to lie. As I said I had a lot of problems that I was dealing with and one of those problems was my parents argument for divorce, this was a good reason for a young kid to exploit for his benefit, I honestly have to say that I was young but I was smart and an asshole. So I went to her and hugged her from behind then I started to tell her how disturb I’m from my parents fight about divorce and I can’t bear the thought of their separation, she turned around and I kissed her.
At night she told me how happy she is to find someone like me in her life, someone to whom she can say anything, someone with whom she can share anything and at the end she said that she wants me to enjoy her. I didn’t get it, I really didn’t get it that she wanted me to have sex with her but of course she said it in a way where I have to start or tell her that I want to do her. I also knew that she is upset from her husband and he is cheating on her so she wants to do this but she will regret it in the future and I also didn’t know what to do and how to do it, I wasn’t like 14 years old these days.
We were together in that house, alone, for next 5 or 6 days, I learned different kinds and ways of kissing, I felt a woman skin and I understood how beautiful a woman can be, her nature, her needs, her simplicity and of course I realized how dangerous a woman can be. After these almost 8 days, I started lying to my family and everyone I knew because I couldn’t share these events with them, it was about my honor and most importantly Mary’s honor, in my country doing this and people knowing this can lead to my and her death for honor. After that week I started lying and I adapt in the skills of lying, later in my posts I will tell you how much I lied and why I did so, also most of my posts might be linked with the previous one because it’s my life and everything is connected and most of it will get complicated.